Thursday, January 19, 2012

Why Can't I Add Glitter to My Resume?

I'm still trying to find a job. I've applied for two that I really had my heart set on. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Wait, they didn't see the value in hiring bubbly and smiley, yet still professional and capable you?" Shocking and appalling, I know.
The thing that bothers me most is that I haven't even been able to get an actual interview. I really want to follow up and ask the hiring managers what they're looking for in a potential employee.

I've got a degree.
Granted, it's not a bachelor's or higher but I worked hard for that thing just fighting to get the classes I needed! (Working to get that seemingly meaningless paper made me cry more than the cancellation of Girlmore Girls!)
I've got more than three years of experience in customer service and commissioned sales.
I built a customer base that loved me and still ask about me. I didn't steal sales from other employees OR money from the company. That should show company loyalty, too! (I never had my business card burning ceremony like I wanted!)
I exceeded my sales goals.
No, I can't give you numbers. I'm pretty sure that's confidential. I also can't give examples like "raised revenue by 10% while motivating my coworkers to do the same" It was part-time retail. (If you think that point needs further explanation, you haven't worked part-time retail and wouldn't understand anyway, sorry!) We ran on a gain over the previous year in our department. Did I have something to do with that? I'd like to think so but again, our numbers were confidential.
I can get along with anyone.
The person that I liked the least in the department (because I thought she was stealing sales and therefore part of my paycheck) was the person that gave me one of the references that got me my seasonal job. That is pretty impressive, right?
I've got extra Certificates from the Small Business Administration.
You can't tell me the knowledge that I've gained from courses such as Crime Prevention: A Guide for Small Businesses, Introduction to Accounting, or Technology 101: A Small Business Guide isn't beneficial!
I go out of my way to help people.
Okay, so I don't have "pays for gas for random strangers instead of supporting their potential habit" or "loans cell phone to people unsuccessfully trying to use a payphone" on my resume. Do you?
I know how to add and subtract.
This is useful when working with cash and I'm always surprised by how much of a dying art it seems to be. I can also use "your" and "you're" properly without being a complete snob about it (most of the time).
I can spell and choose to do so correctly.
In one of my college classes, we heard about one of the marketing professionals for said college who intentionally misspelled words to see if people were paying attention based on the feedback from the errors. I don't see how that could be an accurate depiction (or look very professional when trying to promote a college.)
I know how to be (and look) professional. 
...and that you're not legally allowed to ask about potential plans to have babies during an interview. (Plus, my hair isn't blue!)

WHAT DO THEY WANT?!


So, I'm doing the best thing I can think of short of actually calling these companies one by one and asking them directly: reading articles on how to improve your resume.
Unfortunately, the first thing I came across has me a little apprehensive.

10 Resume Red Flags: 
1.) It's Covered in Glitter - Literally



What?!
I can't use glitter on my resume to give it that extra sparkle and shine? That's like telling me adding smiley faces would be frowned upon... What kind of company wouldn't want their employees to be smiley and happy?!

I guess that means camping out in front of a potential job with this sign and refusing to leave until I'm hired would be a bad idea, too?


*sigh* Maybe I'm not cut out for the business world after all...



P.S. If my ramblings related to unemployment didn't entertain you, maybe this will!







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